Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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