I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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