just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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