I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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