if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
