I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i love accidental penises.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.