my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize