I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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