She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
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Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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