Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
