i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
