Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
