I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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