i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
