So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
