You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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