She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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