How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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