I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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