he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
