So drunk its hurt
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
