I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
