I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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