I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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