Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
