Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
