So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
