Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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