I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
