why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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