im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
