FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
