Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
You were trust falling into bushes
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."