I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?