I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.