she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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