new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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