nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
