I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
