and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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