i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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