Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
