Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
