I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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