So drunk its hurt
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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