can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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