I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
