Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
