he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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