i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Liz is crying about burritos again.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
