Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
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Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
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