My cat gives me a boner
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
