Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
