I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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