Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
