guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
