I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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