1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
