I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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