So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
