The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
