sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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